Sometimes young people can be pretty mean to each other. By spreading malicious rumors, excluding a friend from the group… even name-calling. Social relationships can be used as a way to harm another person. It’s called relational aggression. And it’s a form of bullying most often used by both girls and boys.
If this is happening to your son or daughter, don’t downplay it. Take the problems seriously by listening to your child. Offer ideas on what to do. Tell an adult…stay away from the boy, girl or group causing the problem…and develop other friendships.
If you suspect your daughter or son and their friends are being mean, help them to understand that this is hurtful behavior… and your child shouldn’t join in.
What is relational aggression?
Relational aggression is behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others (Crick and Grotpeter, 1995).
Two distinctions of relational aggression include proactive and reactive relational aggression:
What does relational aggression look like?
Social relationships are used as the vehicle for harming a peer.
What motivates relational aggression?
When we asked youth why relational aggression occurs, their responses included:
Isn’t relational aggression just normal behavior?
It is often easy for parents and other adults to marginalize relational aggression. However, this attitude perpetuates the myth that bullying and peer aggression, and the hurt caused by both, are "normal" or "just how kids are" or simply a "rite of passage."
For the 160,000 children who miss school each day due to fear of being tormented by their classmates (National Education Association), relational aggression is anything but "normal."
What is harmful about relational aggression? Why address it?
Peer aggression cannot be passed off as “normal” when you examine its harmful effects and consider its implications in future adult relationships. In some cases, the lasting effects of relational aggression are considered more hurtful than those of physical aggression. Specifically, when children are victims of multiple forms of aggression, their risk for having adjustment problems increases (Pristein, Boergers & Vernberg, 2001).
Social rejection in elementary school is associated with later antisocial behavior (Dodge et al, 2003). Children who are victimized by relational aggression also experience higher levels of depression and loneliness (Crick & Grotpeter, 1996). Relational victimization has also been linked to anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem and depression (Austin & Joseph, 1996; Baumeister and Leary, 1995; Gilbert, 1992).
Research has also found that youth being victimized have contemplated suicide (Owens, Shute, & Slee, 2000). While many children may be targets or perpetrators of relational aggression at some point in their lives, not all will experience the full extent of the harmful effects of relational aggression. But for those who do, the consequences can be lifelong and devastating.
How can I protect my child from the harmful effects of relational aggression?
Research suggests that adolescents who are more connected to their school (e.g. involved in activities, clubs, sports), have secure relationships with adults, demonstrate empathy and report more forgiveness are less likely to be involved with relationally aggressive behavior. Further, they report less tolerance of relationally aggressive behaviors in others.
Teaching and role modeling healthy, constructive belief systems regarding social interactions, forgiveness and empathy all appear to be important components of building healthy, constructive relationships.
Give your child diverse friendship circles, so that if a situation arises, there are alternate venues of support already in place. Furthermore, by expanding and enriching your child's horizons, he or she may stumble upon a passion, which will engross her/him and help shore up a sense of identity. This is something they may cling to in the face of any instances of Relational Aggression in the future
What can my child do?
Encourage your child to keep a log of relational aggression episodes. What happens, who is involved, and what, if any, actions are taken? What is the response? This is an invaluable instrument if a situation warrants parental intervention. Documentation enables schools to act.
Encourage your child to keep a journal or diary that describes the events and how your child felt or feels, what he or she might have said has all around health benefit.
As derived from www.relationalaggression.com.
More resources
For more information on relational aggression, visit the following websites:
Tips for Parents